Jeff Cooper's Commentaries

Previously Gunsite Gossip
Vol. 4, No. 12a         November, 1996

Interim Supplement

This is a special interim issue of the Commentaries since it has nothing to do with guns or shooting, but rather with the various entertainments we enjoyed at the Fourth Gunsite Reunion and Theodore Roosevelt Memorial at Whittington.

We had a splendid and inspiring time, as usual, and it was grand to be totally surrounded with good people of like persuasion. We face dark times now, and the example of the Great TR lends courage to us all.

Husband of The First Lay-dee
(with apologies to both W.S. Gilbert and Sir Arthur Sullivan)

When I was a lad I served a term
As office boy in an attorney's firm
I shredded papers and I hid the dirt
And I'd flirt when I could with a shapely skirt.

    He'd flirt when he could with a shapely skirt.

I hid that dirt so carefully
That now I am the husband of the first lady.

    He hid that dirt so carefully that now he is the husband of the first lady.

Of legal knowledge she acquired such a grip
That she got us into a partnership.
We'd sell some land, keep the broker's fees
And swindle money from retirees.

    Swindle money from retirees.

We stole that money so efficiently
That now I am the husband of the first lady.

    They stole that money so efficiently that now he is the husband of the first lady.

While Governor in Little Rock
She got us a tip on some cattle stock.
And that cattle stock grew so drastically
It warranted attention of the SEC.

    It warranted attention of the SEC.

But we covered our backs so skillfully
That now I am the husband of the first lady.

    They covered their tracks so skillfully that now he is the husband of the first lady.

When my wife grew tired of the country hicks
She schemed with the CLAMS, got us out of the sticks.
Said, "Now Billy, here's the way it'll be.
You do the smiling, leave the thinking to me."

    He'll do the smiling, leave the thinking to she.

I thought so little they rewarded me
By making me the husband of the first lady.

    He thought so little they rewarded he by making him the husband of the first lady.

My term they say has been quite weird
With the Bureau Freeh-ed and the Army queered.
If you think it's the work of a liberal fool
You better pay attention to my golden rule.

    Better pay attention to his golden rule.

Ruin the country, blame the GOP
And you all may be husband of the first lady.

Lyrics by and sung by John and Maureen Nicholas at the reunion

The Train

On a cold October night a train
Left Grand Central Station
Carrying a load of TNT
To the capital of our nation.

The deadly cargo had been ordered
By Hillary Rodham Clinton.
In order to blow up every file
She had a fingerprint on.

It was an Amtrac train, of course,
Government subsidized...
If you knew the name of the engineer
You just might be surprised.

Yes, Rodney King was at the wheel
An Affirmative Action hire;
If he'd been rejected, the ACLU said,
Consequences would be dire.

As always when he drove, Rodney
Had buddies at his side -
Johnny Walker, Jim Beam and the Brothers Gallo
Had all come along for the ride.

The track was clear, the signals green
The journey was a snap,
So as the train hit eighty-five
Rodney took himself a nap.

Roaring down through Newark
It didn't stop to get acquainted
With three poor lads that it ran down
Who'd been hoping to spray paint it.

Now the news spread far and wide
We've got a runaway train!
Headed straight for Washington
Where the Clintons feel our pain.

A meeting of the cabinet
Was called in desperation -
Slick Willie asked for its advice
To resolve this situation.

Albert Gore put in his two cents,
Droning on for half an hour
About a scheme to stop the train
Using solar power.

Warren Christopher knit his brow
Pondering the situation,
And said "A case like this requires
Careful negotiation."

Robert Reich stood and spoke at length
As only he is able,
But no one heard him, as his head,
Did not quite clear the table.

When Donna Shalala's turn came
She spoke with indignation,
Of the train as an obvious symbol
Of male domination.

Secretary of Defense Perry
Spoke his piece at last
"Our flyboys in their F-16s
Can clean this mess up fast."

A fist slammed hard upon the desk
And Hillary rose from her chair;
The assembled leaders quivered
As she swept them with her glare.

"We're running hard against Bob Dole
She said, "just thought I'd warn you.
If the Air Force takes out Rodney King -
There goes California."

Bill Clinton frowned and bit his lip
To get his thoughts in line,
But he just couldn't get that cute
Peruvian mummy off his mind.

Suddenly a voice rang out,
Raspy, deep and bold,
"I'm not afraid to take a stand -
The rest of you can fold."

Toward Janet Reno no heads turned
Not a single eye turned to,
"If there's no man among you, then
I guess I'll have to do!"

Janet strode out of the room
Leaving none in any doubt,
That she'd been nowhere to be found,
When the estrogen was passed out.

So as that train came speeding
Toward the capital of our land
Like Horatius at the bridge
Janet Reno took her stand.

She planted a size twelve shoe on
Either side of the railroad track.
The train came hurtling straight at her
But she stared boldly back.

Its headlight lit up with its glare
Her lanky six-foot frame,
And its wheels began to grind and screech
As if they were in pain.

Her body looked a lot like that
Of an ill-fed Appaloosa,
While her face was like a Grecian goddess
 - The one they call Medusa.

And when the headlight hit that face
Which could surely stop Big Ben,
Or send a warthog squealing
In terror back to its den -

Sparks they flew, iron screamed,
And there came a thundercrack,
As that train gave up and stopped dead cold
Upon the railroad track.

Poor Rodney King, I'm sad to say,
Did not survive that night,
Having woken just in time to see
Ms. Reno in the light.

Those of us who've likened her
To the Roman Emperor Nero,
Will have to admit that just for once,
The woman was a hero.

A statue was cast in her likeness,
To honor her glorious deed,
And in case another runaway train
Should cause a future need.

By Paul Kirchner

Since this is not a regular issue, we can alter policy and go a bit commercial.

Daughter Lindy (who distinguished herself on The Rifle Bounce) is publishing her first book - The Soul and The Spirit - which happens to be her biography of me.

I find it a bit embarrassing to read my obit before I am dead, but I did no editing and I am not responsible.

The book is at the printers, and should be ready by Christmas. Price is $35, inclusive, and orders can be addressed to
Wisdom Publishing, Inc., 1840 E. Warner Road, Box 238, Tempe, Arizona 85284.

Please Note. These "Commentaries" are for personal use only. Not for publication.