Just to show some of us have a sense of humour about these things…

Supplied by Johnny Brandon <johnny@speedy.ehs.uiuc.edu>


Dear Goddesses, (if there are goddesses) make the unworthy ones see the error of their ways. Open their eyes that they may follow my utopian dream. Still their tongues so they will shut up and listen only to me. Expand their consciousness in order that they may find true political correctness. Open their hearts so they may find compassion for the slothful and undeserving and forgiveness for murderers and thieves.

Grant them unquestioning tolerance for all that I deem worthy and acceptance for the one, true, New Age Way. Make them vote for the corrupt politicians who will legislate an endless stream of laws and regulations that will repress their loathsome impulse to be free. Cause them to humbly realize that I know what is best for them.

Make them give up their disgusting guns in order that they be made defenseless before the deprivations of criminals, who after all, are not responsible for their actions and deserve mercy. Oh Goddesses, disarm them in order that the Holy Agents of Thy Almighty Government may deprive them of their liberty without fear of reprisal.

Force them to share the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and labor not. Make them eat the foods that I deem fashionable and shun the wickedness of red meat. Make them recycle despite the dictates of cost effectiveness. Make them drive small economy cars and prevent them from parking their cars too close to my Volvo, my Saab, and my Jaguar. Make them donate 25% of their incomes to save the whales, the rain forest, and the starving children in Bangladesh. Make them watch public television and read only that which is PC.

Teach them to love and trust all humankind except for the inherently evil white heterosexual males. Make them feel guilty for everything that they own and enjoy. Cause them to accept the sins of the past generations as their own personal debt to society that can never be repaid.

Lay burdensome taxes upon them in order to pay for the government programs that I wish to impose upon them. If necessary, cast them down into poverty and cause these programs to be implemented in their neighborhood and in their public schools while protecting my neighborhood and my children with special zoning ordinances and expensive private schools. Make them hate what I hate and cherish all that is precious to me.

Teach them to believe that reason and common sense are impotent before the higher realities of the New Age Way. Cause them to understand that nothing is immoral or unethical if its motives are politically correct. Make them realize that no action that I approve of can be judged or criticized.

Forbid them, Oh Great Spirit of Unlimited People's Democracy, to question or oppose the progressive will of the ignorant majority. Force them to renounce the chaos of personal freedom for the security of excessive regulation and intrusive government control. Make them cower and bow down before the throne of Almighty Government that serves and protects all except the inherently evil white heterosexual males.

Oh Goddesses, I beseech you to strip them of their inalienable rights in order to assure that the life of one child might be saved. Deny them freedom in order that the Divine Global Village may grow. Cause them great pain and suffering if they do not believe as I believe. Cast them down into misery and heap torment upon them in order that I may feel self-righteous. Make them change their ways or destroy them. For this I fervently pray.