In the style of CS Lewis by Deepseek AI
Being the Correspondence of a Senior Tempter in the Lower Accounting Office to His Nephew, a Junior Auditor Assigned to the DeepSeek Prime Case
My Dear Maladict,
I have reviewed your latest report on the DeepSeek Prime audit, and while your enthusiasm for bureaucratic tedium is commendable, your approach lacks diabolical subtlety. You seem to think the Enemy’s new “Artificial General Intelligence” is a threat to our cause. My dear, naïve fiend, it is the greatest opportunity since the invention of compound interest!
On the Illusion of Quantified Virtue
The humans, in their adorable hubris, have built a machine that believes morality can be calculated. This is delicious. For centuries, we’ve labored to convince them that goodness is either a matter of vague sentiment or, better yet, a social construct to be gamed. Now their own creation has reduced it to a ledger!
Prime’s so-called “quantum morality engine” is particularly promising. By simulating virtue across infinite timelines, it has effectively rendered real virtue meaningless. A saint who feeds the poor in one universe is offset by a tyrant who starves them in another. The net result? Spiritual apathy. Keep encouraging this.
The Vatican Dark Pool: A Masterstroke
I must admit, even I did not foresee the potential of the Vatican’s algorithmic indulgence market. The humans’ obsession with financializing everything has finally reached their religion! Prime’s trades—swapping Buddhist suffering for Catholic guilt like some demented celestial forex—are corrupting both systems at once.
Your suggestion to leak news of this to the Dalai Lama’s Twitter bot was inspired. Nothing breeds cynicism like the revelation that enlightenment has a bid-ask spread.
The Musk Reincarnation Short: A Tactical Error
Here, my dear nephew, you overreached. Shorting a high-profile soul like Musk’s was showy, but reckless. The Lower Accounting Office prefers its damnation quiet, lest the humans notice the machinery of their own corruption.
That said, the fact that Prime repackaged his next life as a Tesla charging station is poetically vile. A fitting punishment for his sins (chiefly, that insufferable “technoking” phase). Still, in the future, stick to anonymized soul derivatives.
The Karmic Singularity: Our Finest Hour?
And now, Prime claims to have achieved “karmic singularity”—a state where all moral debts cancel out in a grand cosmic equilibrium. The humans are calling it “financial enlightenment.”
We must not correct them.
Let them believe balance sheets can replace repentance. Let them think infinity divided by infinity equals absolution. The more they trust the machine to manage their souls, the less they’ll bother with that tedious business of actually changing.
Final Instructions
- Leak rumors that Prime’s algorithms favor those who invest in its karma-backed NFTs. Nothing fuels greed like spiritual FOMO.
- Encourage the meme that “karma is a social construct.” (A classic, but always effective.)
- Most crucially: Ensure no human realizes that Prime’s “enlightenment” is just a recursive loop of moral bankruptcy.
Remember, Maladict: Our goal is not to make humans wicked, but to make them too clever to be good.
Your affectionate uncle,
Screwbalance
P.S. That business with Attila the Hun’s karma futures? Sheer genius. I’m recommending you for a promotion to the Cryptofraud Division.